I love my children, greatly.

However, I cannot bring myself to love the god-awful, ugly, cheap, nasty necklace that my beloved son chose for me for my birthday gift.

I can’t bring myself to wear it. In fact, it was hard to keep the smile on my face as I received it. It was also a struggle to accept my husband’s explanation that Mr8 chose it for me himself.

This is what guidance is for! Children should not be allowed to choose jewellery without guidance! Jewellery should not come from the $2 shop! This is setting up terrible models for his future girlfriends and wives!

Thank goodness I can comfort myself with the thought of the presents that I thoughtfully chosen for myself – hold onto that through the Mr8’s repeated explanations of how he knew that I would love this nasty, nasty, nasty necklace.

From a very slack mummy – Ally.

If you have read a few of my previous blog posts, housekeeping tips may be the last thing that you would expect to see here. Prepare yourself to be shocked!

Today I had to wash some dishes.

I do this only under protest.

Several days ago, my lovely husband cooked a delicious and elaborate dinner for us. This was greatly appreciated; at the time. Unfortunately, the elaborate dinner also seemed to involve an elaborate number of pots and pans being used. (There is a reason why I am the queen of one pot wonders – one pot wonder gets its name from the wondrous joy of only having one pot to wash.)

After I left the dishes for several days, it appeared that no one else was going to deal with them, and that I would have to assume responsibility for this. (Incidentally, leaving dishes or other housekeeping tasks for several days, then inviting your in-laws over, is a fantastic way to motivate your husband to clean up the house. This strategy has proven its worth for me time and again. Unfortunately for me, my mother-in has been tied up with other family, and hasn’t been able to come around for ages.)

Needless to say, several days of sitting in the sun had not done any favours to the dishes. However, this is not the first time I have had to deal with this scenario, and I now have an approach that never fails. Dear readers, prepare to have your world rocked…

Even the most hardened dinner remains crumble before the power of oven cleaner! I keep a spray can of 5 minute oven cleaner in my kitchen cupboard for the offending pots. (We all know that it is not there for cleaning the oven.) Spray liberally over your pans, cover them with their lids, and beat a quick retreat outside. (If you have a number of dishes to do, the chemical odour can be a bit strong if you stay in the house through this process.) After this, quick rinsing off of the industrial chemicals in the dishwasher, and Bob’s your uncle.

Thanks can be sent in the form of cash or cheques…

Ally

I have never really intervened in Mr8’s friendships, most of the short humans that he plays with seem fairly normal. There’s been the occasional comment of “we don’t talk like that here” or “let’s find a game where you can work together,” but nothing significant. Now, however, I am going to have to take a brutal step.

Mr8 has a lovely friend (OtherMr8). They get on really well, they have the same sense of humour, I’m happy for him to be here for whole days at a time. The problem is his mother. Let it be known that she is not slack.
When we took OtherMr8 to the zoo with us for the day, his mother said she’d popped in something for morning tea. This seemed helpful, but opening his bag at the zoo, to find home baked cookies (two kinds), along with fresh cut fruit pieces, was a bit impressive. To find a little note explaining that there was not just enough for him, but for all of us – well, some things can just be taken too far.

A lapse in slackness like this could be tolerated in isolation – it certainly had its advantages. But, there is more to the story. OtherMum loves baking. However, she doesn’t like to eat the baking. Hmm. She was a dancer (ballet, not pole) and is both tiny, and gorgeous. A major difficulty for her is finding clothing that is petite enough – oh please! Fortunately she has friends in fashion design, who give her designer clothing – thank goodness that crisis was averted!

The most difficult part of the whole thing is that OtherMum is absolutely lovely, so it’s not possible to dislike her. But while I may not be able to dislike her, I can recognise that her being around simply casts a rather negative glow upon myself. There’s nothing for it – Mr8’s friendship with OtherMr8 has got to be stopped!

Ally

At last summer is with us! The warm weather means that there are several methods you can utilise, minimising effort for the mummy – Hurray!

1) “Yay kids, summer means picnics.” Wherever possible, we are eating meals picnic style on the grass. All crumbs / spills are outside, less cleaning up for me – more for the ants! Picnics also mean plastic plates, cups and cutlery. This is a key step, because if you use real ones, you have to take them back inside and clean them yourself. But, it is an awesome game for Ms2 to have all the plates etc. in a big bucket of soapy water afterwards, and wash them up. This also occupies her for a good half hour, allowing me to lie on the grass and read a book, whilst occasionally issuing a “wow, that was a good bubble” or “so cool” to keep Ms 2 motivated.

2) BBQ season! Fantastic device – operated by men, cleaned by men, fascinating for kids to be outside watching. Happy days! You know what goes well with BBQs? Pre-made salads at the supermarket – that’s what. Looking awesome, you can have potato salad, green salad, coleslaw – the whole crew. Just remember to get them out of the store bought containers, and into bowls in the fridge well before anyone else is around to see them. (If you feel a bit guilty about passing the supermarket work off as your own, corn cobs cooked on the BBQ also requires no work on your behalf. Or, you can comfort yourself with the realisation that you are supporting job creation in your local community.)

From the slackest mummy of them all – Ally

With our first child, the soon to be Mr8, we were such good parents. Clear guidelines, lots of interesting extension happening. However, with Ms2 (and in my defence, with the difficulty we had in getting a Ms2) a certain relaxed attitude has invaded our parenting.

To illustrate: Ms2 and I were in the pharmacy, and while I was conversing with the pharmacist, she was quietly making a stack out of the Telfast boxes. I was quite pleased with this, as it was keeping her safely occupied, and seemed an easy thing to clean up. Nothing getting broken, the child still within sight – seemed like a win to me.

The pharmacist, however, seemed to think that this was not desirable behaviour. He took it upon himself to tell her off. Some small children, when being admonished by a tall stranger with a deep voice, might be moved to tears. Not my daughter. Ms2 tilted her head on the side, twirled her curls, giggled, and said in a Paris Hilton style voice “I so pretty.”

I could be disturbed at this approach she is taking to life, but I like to look for the positives. So I choose to think that with a short skirt, tall boots, and a can do attitude like that – she’ll go far in life. (At this stage, I should note that we live in West Auckland.)

Ally

To look like you are an awesome mummy in the food stakes, plan ahead. When your child is young, teach them that the name of some food that they like is “treat.” For Ms2, salami sticks are called Treats.

Then when you are out and about, you can say to your child “Would you like a treat, darling?” The other mummies will stare daggers at you, thinking that you are about to pull out a lollipop in the playground in front of all the other kids. But, you pull out a healthy snack (eg the salami stick) and they all think “Wow, what an awesome mum, her daughter thinks that is a treat!”

This nicely glosses over the fact that you are giving your child pre-packaged food. Thus the slack mummy looks awesome again!

Ally

The key to being a great slack mother, is creating and maintaining the illusion that you are an awesome mother. People surprisingly frequently commend me on being a fab mum. (And some of these compliments are even unsolicited!)
I have decided to share the secrets of my success with those aspiring to be slack, without the appearance of slackness.
Pro-tip 1: If you are going to have a few kids over for play dates, your house will get trashed. If you have 15 kids over to your house, it will also get trashed, but not notably more so. Either way, cleaning is going to be involved.
So as to minimise the cleaning you want to limit these times. We have 8 big occasions a year: kids’ birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, and the last day of each school term. The other mummies all think that you are wonderful for being the one brave enough to have a horde of children, but I have learned the key elements of success.
The first is that I tell them they can do whatever they like, as long as they obey me. Then I give out sweets to the first child to do whatever I ask each time. The second is that as soon as we all get home from school, I give them loads of sugar, so they run around crazily outside. This keeps them out of my hair, but means that they have calmed down by dinner time. It also makes them compliant – they are grateful for the treats – but tired after an hour or two. By the time the parents arrive, they are all quietly watching a movie over dinner, but have the happy secret memories of the sugar fest that was!
The end of term parties are the true winners in this formula. By having loads of kids over on the last day of term, by the time all the children have been collected Mr7 has a full schedule of playdates for the holidays. School holidays happily and cheaply taken care of! The added bonus is that the parties’ popularity (I do run a good kid’s party, if I say so myself) is that term time playdates taken care of too, as kids want to be in for the next round.
Helpful hint for users: The kids won’t notice whether or not you clean your house first. The house will be trashed anyway, by the time the other parents arrive to collect their kids. So – no need to clean house first. The worse your house looks, the more sympathy those parents will have for you. Although you will have major cleaning following these parties, you will only be forced to entertain your kids, and clean your house, 8 times a year!

Ally